But here’s the objective truth: the path through life is a series of waves, not a straight line.

The tumult of life, recovery, and emotional regulation – one thing I’ve always struggled with. No matter how much therapy I go through, my brain thinks happiness should be forever; my world crumbles if things aren’t going “right” or “to plan”. And, when my world starts crumbling, I get so burnt out that I can barely function and survive. (Thanks, depression.)

But here’s the objective truth: the path through life is a series of waves, not a straight line.

I’m thankful to start therapy again soon because my life’s waves have me swallowing water. Judging my feelings and experience is counteractive, but I can’t help but hate that I’m drowning. I’m in a happy relationship, I have a roof over my head, and I have stable income. Everything is “supposed to” be so much better that I feel the joy and gratitude emitting a light from within or something.

So why am I drowning?

I have plenty to be grateful for including my learned ability to verbalize what’s on my mind and also acknowledge things can still be wrong.

My job is basically being the butt end of verbal abuse, which I’ve never done well with; I find no purpose or growth in it – only misery. My family and the few friends I do have right now live farther away, which fuels loneliness with the remote work isolation. It makes me miss my partner when we aren’t together to the point where I’m scared to death of unintentionally becoming codependent (a tendency of mine).

The strain and emotional complexity of the last seven months of my life also hit my brain and emotions like a truck. (I’m not mentally treading water every second of my life lately; I have too much time to think and feel.) Grief and sadness attack despite the losses and transformation improving my life. Big feelings from huge triggers like guilt and loss fuel horrible habits leading to negative quality of life, too. It sucks knowing I need to change for a better quality of life and just not having the fortitude.

As much as I hate that it is, swallowing water is a normal human experience. It’s normal to need a lifeguard and a life raft to save yourself as well. I’m thankful to not believe in stigmas about therapy and to know when I need that help. If documenting my struggles does one thing, I want it to give someone scared the bravery to reach out their hand.

Don’t think of yourself as a burden and shut others out (a tendency of mine, too). Let the people you love in because they do care. Find those resources and utilize them.

You deserve the best life you can live; treat yourself as such.